EXPLORE MORE

FEBRUARY 2023

Coping with infertility

When you’re having a hard time having a baby, it often seems as if the whole world is filled with pregnant women and new moms. Infertility can be enormously stressful — and the stress, depression and anxiety can worsen as time goes on. Regardless of the reason you’re unable to get pregnant, the feelings it brings up are powerful. But there is hope.

Print

Looking for more? Find other articles below

Here are some strategies you can use to cope with infertility and the resources to help you.

1. Identify and acknowledge your feelings and fears.

Your emotional response to infertility is seldom the result of just one stressor. More than likely, you’re experiencing feelings of depression, anxiety, isolation and loss of control. You may also feel shame, guilt, jealousy and low self-esteem.

Take the time to pull apart your web of emotions and think about your feelings and fears. Why are you feeling how you feel? What are they about? Who are they directed toward?

By trying to better understand each emotion or fear, you can gain a deeper understanding of yourself. If you’re having a difficult time identifying your feelings, talk to a close friend or counselor who can help you sort through your range of emotions.

2. Give yourself permission to cry and be angry.

Don’t turn off your emotions because you think they’re unpleasant or hard to justify. Feel the way you feel. Allow yourself the time and space to have a good cry, punch a few pillows or even scream. Don’t shut off your feelings. It’s perfectly fine to cry about one more friend who got pregnant “without really trying.” Just find safe and healthy ways to release your anger or sadness.

3. Don’t blame yourself.

Accepting that conception isn’t going to happen on its own can be very difficult. But blaming yourself, your partner, or others wastes important energy that could be put to better use focusing on the things you can do to achieve your family-building goals.

4. Understand your options.

This is where a fertility specialist is essential. Schedule an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist for a full fertility evaluation of you and your partner. It’s important that both partners are evaluated since you play an equal role in the conception process.

Once you’ve had an evaluation, your provider will have the necessary information to recommend fertility treatment options that fit your goals. Creating a game plan can make you and your partner feel more optimistic about where you are and where you’re headed.

5. Be open and honest with your partner.

When you’re dealing with infertility, it’s normal to feel angry about your situation. It’s also completely natural for some of this anger to be directed toward your partner. But it’s important to remain a united front throughout this journey.

Learn to share these feelings in a healthy way. Make sure you’re listening carefully, responding thoughtfully and asking questions when you don’t understand. If you’re not able to do this on your own, don’t be afraid to reach out for help and support.

And don’t be surprised if your partner experiences the emotions of infertility differently than you do. Accept that everyone copes in their own way.

6. Practice self-care.

Make sure you take time out from caring for everyone else to spend time on yourself. Go for a walk, read a book, get a massage or take a relaxing bath. And make sure you’re eating well and getting plenty of sleep.

7. Find healthy outlets, hobbies and pastimes.

Take time to participate in other healthy, non-reproductive-related outlets and hobbies.

Get active. Register for a charity walk with friends. Go bowling. Volunteer at a local shelter or soup kitchen. Take an art class or learn to make jewelry or pottery. Art can be great therapy.

Doing something positive can help you channel some of your negative energy into creating happiness for others at a time when you may not be feeling happy about most aspects of your life.

8. Re-establish intimacy with your partner.

Sex on demand based around your ovulation schedule can be challenging. Spontaneity goes out the window, and sex can feel mechanical and focused on conception rather than intimacy and pleasure. Couples need to work a little harder to connect. Intimacy of any kind can re-establish this connection and make you feel like you again. Physical and emotional connections are critical. And because infertility can often be a marathon and not a sprint, it’s important to establish good habits from the beginning.

9. Be realistic, but highly optimistic.

Thinking that you’ll somehow get pregnant naturally despite an ovulation issue or sperm problem may not be realistic without taking active steps to increase your fertility. It’s helpful to discuss with your fertility provider all the things you can be doing to improve your fertility and what are realistic goals and a realistic timeline.

10. Join an infertility support group.

Feeling understood and supported while dealing with infertility can help couples cope, particularly when the support comes from people who have experienced their own fertility struggles. While friends and family are great, if they haven’t experienced what you’re going through, it can be difficult to relate.

Support can mean different things to different people. Some people find one-on-one support to be what they need, while others like the comradery of a bigger support group of others dealing with infertility.

11. Use a fertility coach.

A fertility coach is another support option. Fertility coaches help you on your fertility journey, from beginning to end. They can help you clarify your goals, set realistic expectations, reconnect with yourself and each other, and offer supplemental resources as needed. They also look to educate and inspire you no matter where you are on the road to parenthood.

12. Seek professional support.

If you’re feeling depressed, are having trouble expressing how you feel, or you think you need more guidance than friends or a support group offer, consider getting help from a professional.

Couples should choose the structure that works best for them. This can be counseling as a couple, separately or a combination of the two. Most fertility clinics have professionals they recommend who specialize in helping fertility patients.

Miscarriage and stillbirth

Multiple studies suggest that between 8% and 20% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, and 30% to 40% of all conceptions end in miscarriage (though your chances are largely contingent on your age). However, there’s still a stigma associated with this type of loss. Coping with infertility, miscarriage and neonatal loss can be an isolating experience. Emotions can waiver from surprise, sadness, guilt and anxiety about future pregnancies. And the hormonal shifts don’t help.

Take time to grieve your loss. Some couples choose to do something to honor their child, like planting a tree or getting tattoos. Sharing your experience with other women who have been through the same thing can be reassuring. You’ll be surprised to learn how many women you know have experienced miscarriage. Joining a support group may help, as well.

Source: CNY Fertility. How to deal with infertility: 12 powerful coping strategies.