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JUNE 2023

How to have a fearless financial life

Few people are completely rational when it comes to money. Most of us don’t create and follow a budget or save something every paycheck, though we think we should. We know we need a financial plan, but somehow it doesn’t happen. We often spend too much money because it’s more fun to buy a higher-priced item today than to put the money in savings and wait twenty years to reap the rewards. Often we spend too little because we feel guilty. And sometimes our behavior with money brings on uncomfortable feelings.

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Many of us have a complex relationship with money. We make decisions about money that impact our financial situation, and those impacts in turn affect our feelings and future behaviors. And it’s a relationship that evolves over a lifetime.

Here are three key things to know about our relationship with money:

• Emotion plays a huge role.
• Anxiety and avoidance create a vicious cycle.
• Our family dynamics and past experiences affect our behavior.

Emotion and money

The emotions you connect to money, including fear, envy, shame and guilt, tend to drive your actions.

What’s there to be afraid of? You might be afraid of looking foolish, for example, when it’s your turn to pick up the check and you’re short on cash. Perhaps you’re afraid that you’ll never have as much money as the people you see on TikTok and Instagram. If you’re making more money than your friends, you might be worried that they secretly envy and resent you. Or you might fear being exposed or humiliated if you experience a sudden drop in income.

Shame is one of the most common and powerful emotions associated with money and personal finance. It’s one of the main reasons people avoid doing what they know they should. 

Here are just some of the possible versions of shameful feelings related to money:

• I don’t have enough money.
• I’ve avoided thinking about finances.
• I’ve avoided doing what I’m supposed to do about finances (creating a safety net, planning for retirement, sensible budgeting).
• I’m really ignorant about all of this.
• I spend too much.
• I buy stuff when I’m unhappy.

Shame interacts with avoidance to create a vicious cycle. When you’re filled with shame, the natural tendency is to avoid facing whatever is making you uncomfortable. That avoidance itself leads to additional shame and more avoidance. Next thing you know, your taxes are overdue, and it’s six years since you decided to finally make an appointment to see a financial planner – and it still hasn’t happened.

People who avoid tackling financial necessities often label themselves procrastinators and assume they’re just lazy or undisciplined. That’s not helpful. The fact is, we’re hardwired to try to avoid things that make us feel anxious or uncomfortable. The tricky thing is that in the very short run, avoidance works to reduce anxiety. Because it works, you’re inclined to do it again in the same circumstance.

The vicious cycle of anxiety and avoidance

Here’s how it unfolds. You’re thinking about sitting down, taking a hard look at your financial situation and creating a realistic financial plan. But just thinking about it increases your anxiety, because you’re afraid you won’t be able to face the reality that, for example, you have nowhere near enough saved for your kids’ education. That anxiety leads to avoidance. You postpone the task and distract yourself. At that moment, your anxiety level immediately drops, giving you positive reinforcement for avoidance.

You repeat this cycle over and over. But each immediate drop in anxiety doesn’t quite bring you back to the previous baseline level of distress. And over time, your overall level of anxiety increases and increases.

So, what happens when you confront this unpleasant task? As you face the facts, your anxiety temporarily increases. If you stay with it, however, the overall level of anxiety will steadily decline. You have to tolerate that short-term increase in distress to benefit from the long-term decrease in anxiety. In the end, the lesson is that reality makes a better friend than avoidance.

Other emotions that come into play with money include envy, greed, over excitement and a social-psychological phenomenon known as “jumping on the bandwagon.” Some of these are more relevant in the realm of professional investing as opposed to personal finance.

Family and childhood influences never end

Every family has its own particular psychology of money. What can be talked about, who should be in control, what money responsibilities are assigned to what gender, how important money is or isn’t.

Additionally, there are always stories about money that are part of a family’s identity. Maybe a serial entrepreneur grandfather lost the family fortune, prompting later generations to be very conservative with money.

You may have experienced subtle pressures to right the wrongs experienced by previous generations. Or you may feel internal pressure to oppose the family money mentality. If you’re the first in your family to succeed, you might want to give back to the rest of the family and neglect your own financial needs.

How to harness money emotions

Emotion isn’t all bad. It tells you what you’re passionate about, what really matters to you. It makes you feel alive. Anxiety isn’t all bad either. A little anxiety can motivate you to make much-needed changes that improve your situation. Harness it to tackle what you need to face and know that you’ll feel better when you’ve done so.

The key is self-awareness. Much of our emotional world is unconscious. But it’s not that hard to access. You just need to know what to look for and have a blueprint for the kinds of emotions and family stories that can influence your personal relationship with money.

Source: Forbes. The psychology of money: what you need to know to have a (relatively) fearless financial life.